


Fitton

by stupid_drawings



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen, Humor, fan script
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 04:03:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1968273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupid_drawings/pseuds/stupid_drawings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of MJN return from Hawaii to Fitton with a stowaway bee and some ugly furniture.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fitton

**Author's Note:**

> So I was told a week before con that we needed to perform an original script for the Cabin Pressure panel. And there wasn't a script yet. So, being the natural Douglas that I am, I saved the day and wrote us a script in 3 days. The girl in charge insisted it be about a bee, so I did what I could, though if given more time, I'd have fleshed out some of the scenes a bit more. But I promised all the people that watched the performance that I would post the script as is. So I hope you enjoy!

Actors, please note: Lines directly following each other with no space between are meant to be read closely, almost cutting off the previous line. 

 

BEGIN SCRIPT

\-------------------Scene 1 [ All entering the aircraft]

 

Douglas: Thank you, Martin, for backing me up with that customs agent. And to show you my thanks, you can have this jar of very rare raw organic honey from Hawaii.

Martin: It’s a rather small jar compared to the jars you were smuggling in.

D: It was rather a small favor. Besides, this is very expensive honey, hence the part where I said it was rare. 

M: Well, I suppose it’s more useful than our cargo. 

Carolyn: Our cargo is very useful in that it is causing a rich old man to give us money to fly some ugly furniture to him from beautiful Hawaii instead of flying him to beautiful Hawaii from drab rainy Fitton. God knows why, but the check’s gone through, so I don’t much care.

D: Yes, I'm sure you don’t care.

C: And what is that supposed to mean?

D: Well, he seemed to like you enough.

C: Ah, yes, but you see I've never really been much interested in be-statued men.

M: More's the pity. Then you could afford raises.

A: Why is he... be-statued?

M: Because he's gone and done something mildly impressive.

A: Wow, brilliant! What did he do?

M: He went and inflated his ego enough to commission a statue of himself. 

D: That's got to count for something.

 

[some sort of very subtle sound effect should be used to break up the scenes. Possibly a sort of jet noise, like a mild woosh. Not overpowering, just something to indicate to the audience time has passed]

 

\--------------------Scene 2- [All in flight deck]

Carolyn: Douglas, I need you to come kill a bee.

Douglas: I’m sorry, I’ve retired from the fast paced life of the professional insect assassin.

C: Oh just shut up and come kill it.

Arthur: Mum, it’s just a bee.

Martin: What is there a bee doing onboard our aircraft?

C: MY aircraft.

D: I dunno, beeing?

M: Yes, well it can go bee somewhere else, I don’t want to get stung.

C: Enough with the existential puns, just go kill it!

A: Mum!

M: You could put it outside.

A: Brilliant!

D: Yes, brilliant, Martin, except I believe you’re forgetting one thing.

M: We’re flying.

D: We’re flying.

A: It’s okay because a bee has wings, so it can just fly off and it will be fine.

M: Yes, but we won’t be if we open a door thirty thousand feet in the air to let it out.

A: [ pause then understands] Ohhh

M: Yes.

 

\---------------Scene 3- [Carolyn and Arthur in the cabin. Foley: occasional buzzing, very light] 

C: Now, what are we doing here?

A: … I dunno. Flying in an aeroplane, I suppose.

C: No no no, Heart-For-Brains, we are working on your what?

A: Oh right, yeah! ...No, actually I’ve forgot.

C: [sighs] We are working on your service. 

A: Right! I’ll go get the drinks trolley!

C: Arthur, sit down. Your drink service remains, as ever, efficient to the point of excess. 

A: I really like pushing the drinks trolley.

C: Yes sweetling, everyone who's ever met you knows you like pushing the drinks trolley.  
[buzzing gets louder. Magazine smack]

C: Did I get it? Oh damn, there it goes into the galley.

A: Mum, don’t kill it! It’s just a harmless little bumblebee.

C: Yes, it’s a harmless little bumblebee until it stings you and you bloat up like a parade balloon. Don’t you remember the picnic last summer?

[sound of two doors opening and closing]

C: Oh, I wanted to talk to Martin. Go bother Douglas until Martin gets back from the toilet.

 

\-------------Scene 4- [Douglas and Arthur on the flight deck]  
A: Hey-o, Chap

D: Oh good, I was starting to feel peaceful.

A: Oh yeah? Well that’s good. Anyway, mum told me to come bother- come talk to you, so I thought maybe you could help me. Mum keeps trying to kill that bumblebee but you’re supposed to save bumblebees according to the Honey-O’s box they are all dying, and I thought maybe you could, I dunno, save it?

D:Well, who am I to question a hard-hitting news source like a Cheerios box?

A: Honey-O’s  
D: Whatever

A: So will you help?

D: Oh alright. Well… You could always lure your bee away from Carolyn.

A: Ah, that's brilliant, Douglas!

[Douglas waits for Arthur to ask. After about 3 seconds, Douglas clears his throat]

A: Uh, how does one lure a bee?

D: I thought you'd never ask. But you'll have to be quick, Martin will be back from the loo soon and he doesn’t seem overly fond of bees. Can’t imagine why.

 

\--------Scene 5- [Carolyn and Martin in cabin]

C: Oh, Martin, Martin come here a moment.

M: Not like I was on the way to do anything else, like fly an aeroplane.

C: Oh shut up, everyone knows it’s the take offs and landings that are the tricky part. Luckily for us all, keeping an aeroplane aloft is actually quite easy, and I trust Douglas can soldier on for a little longer without his gallant captain at his side. Now, I’m trying to help you so sit down and stop being a berk.

M: Yes, fine.

C: Now, you still do your van job sometimes, don’t you?

M: Yes, when I actually have the time and someone to hire me. So barely ever.

C: Yes yes, your life is tragic. Now, how would you like to be hired by Mr. Hankerton to move his ugly furniture?

M: But I thought he had already hired someone?

C: Yes, and then he unhired them at my request.

M: Really? Why?

C: Can't I do something nice for one of my employees?

M: You never have before.

C: Well, it's nearing the end of the month and I can't have a homeless pilot, and god forbid you try to come stay with me.

M: Well, I appreciate the sentiment, Carolyn, but I think I can handle getting jobs on my own.

C: Oh, just shut up and take the job! I put up with that disgusting old man copping a feel by pretending to be exceptionally interested in my necklace to get on his good side, and I'll be damned if I will let that be for naught!

M: okay, okay, just please never mention that to me again. Ugh.

C: Get back to work, I don't pay you to not fly.

M: You barely pay me!

C: Fine, I don't barely pay you to not fly. Get to work. And if you see that damned bee, kill it, I don’t want to see the nurses at hospital twice in the same month, they give me a look like I’m the world’s least efficient murderer. 

 

\-----------------Scene 6- [Martin, Arthur, and Douglas in the flight deck]  
[Occasional faint buzzing throughout scene]

M: Why’s the bee in here now?

D: Why don’t you ask it? 

A: Oh, wow!  
M: No, Arthur, I can’t.

A: Ah, well, I’d better get back to mum, we’re working on my service.

D: I’m sure it will be a lovely service and we’ll miss you.

A: Thanks, Douglas!

[Arthur leaves]

D: Is it still a joke if nobody catches it? Ah well.

M: Ugh, the bee is in here now.

D: Oh, is it? I hadn’t noticed.

[about 7 beats of no talking, just the buzzing getting louder and softer as the bee flies around]

 

M: You know, with all this buzzing I was just reminded of that restaurant we ate at for lunch yesterday, Lord of the Fries.

D: Yes? 

M: Atlas Spud.

D: Oh, dystopian potatoes? Well, it’s not the weirdest game we’ve played. Let’s see… ah, Player Potato

M: Tuber Farm

D: V For Vodka

M: Good one. A Sweet Potato Darkly.

 

 

[Sound of door opening and Arthur hurrying in]

A: Douglas, mum’s found a spray can of furniture polish. She's looking for it and she’s going to kill it!

D: Kill what, the furniture? 

A: No, the bee!  
M: Good.

A: You’ve got to help!

D: Must I?

A: Please?

D: ...Oh, all right! 

A: Thanks Douglas! Well, I’d better get back before mum comes looking for me.

[sound of Arthur exiting]

D: Martin, give me your hat.

M: My hat? Why do you want my hat?

D: I don't want your hat, but I do need your hat.

M: No.

D: Martin, don't be a dolt, just give me your hat. This is a matter of bee or bee killed.

M: I am not seeing the downside to a killed bee.

D: One word: Arthur.  
M: Ah

[Noise of reaching across]

M: Hey!

D: Oh, calm down, you'll have it back in a moment.  
[Snipping sound of scissors]

M: You're ruining my hat!

D: No I'm not, I'm just borrowing some of your gold braid. It's for the greater good, Martin.

M: I don't see how you ruining my hat is for the greater good.

D: No, of course you don't. But luckily, I do. Now, do you mind if I grab the marker from your flight bag?

[Sounds of Douglas getting up, opening crew locker, and rummaging]

 

\------------------------------------------------- Scene 7- [Carolyn and Arthur in cabin]

C: Arthur, I want you to stay focused. 

A: Alright.

C: What are our food options today?

A: Well, Skip’s having the tuna salad and Douglas is having the pasta.  
C: No no no NO, dear. I meant, for the passengers.

A: But there aren’t any passengers. Unless you mean, is the… bestatued man-  
C: No, Arthur, he is not a real man turned into a statue, that is just a chunk of lifeless rock. No, we’re pretending. Just pretend this is like the last flight.

A: Oh, right. Well then I should probably go get some more pillows for the big chap that kept stealing them.

C: That’s where they went? Does everyone assume I am made of money? [sigh] We’re getting off the subject. What did we serve last week?

A: Chicken or the really chewy beef with that gravy sauce to make it look better.

C: Which is exactly the type of language you should keep to yourself and crew.

A: Ah, yeah that does sound rather like something you yell at me for telling passengers now I think about it.

C: Yes, now try it again.

A: Good morning madam, and would you care for the chicken or the beef with the gravy [cuts himself off]

C: I would like the chicken, please.

A: See, now I dunno what to do because we haven’t actually got any chicken.

C: Well what should you do at this point if we did have chicken?

A: Go pop the tray in the oven and then go bring people some coffee.

C: Arthur, the chicken only cooks for 3 minutes. What I am getting at is that you need to concentrate. You are the last person that should attempt multitasking. No, when you take their orders, just go get their food. Bring it back to them. Confirm that you gave them the correct meal, and then you can push the drinks trolley to your heart’s content.

A: Brilliant!

 

\----------------------------------------------- Scene 8- [Douglas and Martin in flight deck]

[ Foley: loud smack of a rolled up newspaper, muffled hurried footsteps getting closer. There is no buzzing. Martin and Douglas small cheering Carolyn has run from the back of the small plane to the flightdeck] 

C: Did you get it?

M: [hurriedly] Yes. Yes we got it. We got the bee. It’s dead. We got it.

C: Show me.

M: W-what?

C: Show me the dead bee, prove my suspicions false.

M: I, uh [Douglas interrupts]  
D: Certainly, Carolyn, we, the efficient and stealthy insect hitmen of the skies, would be all too glad to produce the body of our latest victim [rustling in pocket] And here it is. Bit flat, though.

[Arthur arrives just in time to see the dead bee]

A: NOoooooOOOoooooooo!

C: Oh for heaven sakes, put it away.

A: I was going to train it. Can, can I have him? You know, to give him a proper burial?

C: Oh lord, this is the goldfish from the dentist’s all over again. Call me when he’s done mourning or we’ve landed. Whichever comes first.  
[door opens and shuts with Carolyn’s exit]

A: Can I, Douglas?

D: Certainly, Arthur.

A: [Pause] It just came apart in my hand. It was made of fluff and gold string! WOW! I didn't know that about bees!

M: No, Arthur, it's a bit of trim from my hat.

A: Then why's it got stripes?

M: Douglas drew them on with a marker.

A: Oh, yeah? Brilliant! ... But, um, why?

M: To throw Carolyn off it's trail! So she wouldn't keep trying to kill it!

A: Oh, I get it! I really do! Brilliant!

D: Yes. I am.

A: So where is the bee really?

M: I, uh, I don't know, actually.

A: Do you think it's got out?

M: Out of the sealed flying metal tube? No, probably not.

A: Brilliant, I kind of want to keep it now.  
D: Assuming you find it. Oh and Martin, The Poutine Truth.

M: Hmm? OH, um… The Russet Man

D: That was actually a rather good one. The Hashbrown Games.

[muffled call of Carolyn from the cabin]   
C: Arthur!

A: Coming!

\--------------------------------------------------Scene 9- [ Carolyn and Arthur in cabin]

C: Now, Arthur, I know you are mourning the loss your beloved and faithful insect you’ve just met, but I wanted to see if you can remember what we went over?

A: Uuuh, pushing the drinks trolley?

C: Before that.

A: Oh, bringing their food right when they ask for it and checking to make sure I got it right.

C: Yes... good. Unexpectedly well done, Arthur.

A: Thanks, mum

 

\--------------------------------------------------Scene 10- [Douglas and Martin in flight deck]

D: Landing checks complete. Time for a thrilling night off in Fitton.

M: I have a job. Carolyn got it for me.

D: What job did she get you?

M: Moving Mr. Hankerton’s furniture to his place.

D: Yes, that does sound like the perfect end to a fifteen hour flight. 

M: Oh, right.

D: Especially since we have that flight to Isle of Man lined up.

M: Oh… right.

[Door opens, Arthur enters]

A:Good flight, chaps. I lost my bee, but I didn’t lose him lose him because he isn’t dead.  
M: Probably.   
A: Probably. But I still lost him, but that’s fine since he isn’t dead.  
M: Probably.  
A: Probably. Which would be worse than being lost. 

D: Yes, sorry for your loss. Oh, Martin, here’s your marker back.

M: Thanks, Douglas. It is strange that the bee just vanished into [sound of locker opening, Martin screams and flails about] BEE BEE BEE Oh god, it’s in my locker!

A: My bee!

M: Get it away!

[Sound of a locker slamming]

M:Where did it go?

D: Did you catch it?

A: It’s back in Skip’s locker!

M: How did you do this?

D: Well, you may remember we stopped having to dodge the bee around when I went to get the marker out of your flight bag.

M: Yes?

D: Well it occurs to me that I made Arthur use your honey to lure it into the flight deck while you were in the loo

M: So there was a-  
D: Uh huh  
M: Bee in my locker

D: Well, it certainly couldn’t fit in your bonnet, there was too much gold trim.


End file.
